The appearance of children in the family must be carefully considered and discussed between partners, so that in the future there will be as little friction as possible in their upbringing. Even the number of heirs you need to know in advance. This will help to avoid conflicts in the family.
What should be discussed with a partner before conceiving children?
It seems that everyone understands how children are born and what is http://argoprep.com/blog/norm-referenced-vs-criterion-referenced-test/. Now it is fashionable to analyze your childhood and even find the mistakes of your parents in your own upbringing. We all look at examples of other families through social networks. From all this, the image of the family and parenthood is formed. But a very small percentage of couples discuss the future before planning children. Most don’t plan at all. It just happens.
– What can the lack of dialogue and agreements lead to?
I will say that my husband and I also did not discuss anything. Generally. Just one day they decided that they did not mind creating a full-fledged family. And you know, I’m lucky. Really lucky that my husband and I views on life, education, values and goals are very similar. And if there are disagreements, we can negotiate. But this is not the case for everyone, and, unfortunately, that is why many marriages break up in the first years after children appear.
Every family has its own rules, but these rules are based on the views of two people, and if they are radically different, this can lead to disaster. This is where quarrels, misunderstandings and distance between each other begin.
She thought that he would come no later than 19:00 and help around the house, and he thought that the children would not interfere with her cooking fresh borscht every day. He thought that she would give birth to him three sons and a daughter, but she does not imagine herself a mother of four. And so on.
Conflicts cannot be avoided, any couple will tell you that. But it is better to protect yourself from unexpected turns. You need to understand what lies ahead for you, and what you both want and don’t want from this joint project called “family”.
What 4 questions need to be clarified.
– Do you need children and http://argoprep.com/blog/goal-and-strategy-for-schools/?
The first question to ask yourself and your partner is if you really want children. It’s you, both of you. Not one of you, not your parents, not biological clocks and all that. Both of you absolutely must be prepared for the fact that life will change 180 degrees. This does not mean that she will become worse, she will simply become different, and you will definitely need each other’s support.
– Tell us more about your relationship with your parents.
Each of us, on a subconscious level, transfers to his family the model of behavior that he took from his parents. Even if we did not like her or we condemn her, this happens automatically, because we have not seen another.
Therefore, it will be very useful to learn more about each other, about parents, about relationships within the family and how each of us relates to certain rules. For example, a guy whose mom has devoted her entire life to caring for children, delicious food and ironed shirts, is more likely to expect the same from his wife. And no, this does not mean that you need to get a divorce right away, but it’s quite possible to say and voice: “I don’t want to make cabbage rolls every day, but pies on weekends are no problem” – it’s quite possible. Dialogue always leads to some common denominator if it is started in calm tones. It is completely different when these are screams on emotions, because one is hungry, and the other is tired.
How do we plan to raise children?
Parents are the main authority for the child throughout life. Their position and views should be common, then the relationship will be warm and strong. If one believes that the best way to educate is a belt and a corner, and the second feels sorry for the kids and helps to hide guilt in order to avoid punishment, then in such a family there are more reasons for scandals and distrust between children and parents. Children from an early age see an example of how native people lie and contradict each other.
Read books together about different parenting principles, discuss with a child psychologist what your response would be appropriate to different children’s behavior, and agree to make decisions together that affect children.
– Who will we be to each other
With the birth of children, many forget that their family began with two – a husband and wife. There is no time for yourself, for a partner, romance leaves, life takes its place, and then “you are no longer the one I loved.” Discuss how often you need each other apart from the children. Once a week? Month? Think about how to organize it. Are there any relatives who can sit with the children, if not, how do you both feel about the fact that an outsider is doing this – a nanny. Young parents very often swear because they do not have enough time to be alone, but they do not dare to talk about it.
Of course, if you discuss all this, it is unlikely that this will save you 100% from quarrels or difficulties. But, firstly, you will learn more about each other, about yourself, about plans for the future, and secondly, show each other that the most important thing is to listen and hear. Any problem can be solved by a calm conversation, while maintaining respect and love.
It is impossible to be ready for motherhood/fatherhood. Each family is unique, you will never be the same as it was with your parents, another couple, neighbors. Even your relationship with one child will not be like the relationship with another.
Building a family is not driving a car. You can’t learn theory, pass practice and be ready to go to the track. Learn more about learning by doing here. But to start this process unprepared is to create difficulties for yourself.
Therefore, talk with your halves! Don’t be silent if you want to. Listen if they share with you. So your union grows stronger with every conversation.